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Help ! Am I Dating Someone With Cyclothymia ? - Cyclothymia Support Society [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
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Help ! Am I Dating Someone With Cyclothymia ? [Aug. 12th, 2010|10:42 pm]
Support, Friendship and Social Acceptance.
I'm desperate for input/help from someone who has cyclothymia or from someone close to a person with it. I met a wonderful woman, and began dating early April. By late April, we had "the talk" and agreed to commitment and monogamy (her words, her conditions, and I happily consented). She lives 1.5 hours away, has a young child, and works full time, so each weekend and nightly phone calls were our time spent together. She: 30s. Me: a bit older. Until mid July, it was bliss. I'm not kidding. Bliss. Emotionally. Physically. Everything. We both talked and laughed about how good and compatible and smooth things were, and how great things were between us. This woman was the picture of consideration. She always called me back. She did what she said she'd do. She was ultra-considerate. She was open and communicative. She was close to perfect. Then her mom was hospitalized with kidney failure in mid July, had emergency transplant surgery, and my girl dropped off the face of the earth. One week of a few replies to my texts (no phone replies to my messages and no outbound calls from her to me). I sent flowers. No reply. I left nice messages ("can I help you or the family in any way"). No reply. I left more caring messages. No reply. I texted thoughtful things. No reply. I found myself saying, "she's the polar opposite from the first 100 days". I then recalled that during our first phone call, she told me her mom had Bipolar One and abused her and her brother when she was a toddler (witnessed by another adult family member), and was treated with hospitalization and meds. The mom was also hospitalized later for a year or so when my girl was in her teens, and then rejoined the family. I know that BP is likely hereditary. Do people with such afflictions "disappear" without word or warning? She did not quit her job as an award-winning educator. I doubt her son is being ignored. But me? I've been abandoned, ignored, discarded and deserted without warning. After one or two dates, I could understand the disappearance. But, after months of intimacy, bliss, and memories (we had gone away on mini-roadtrips several times, were planning a longer island getaway, and even a trip to Asia next year), I don't think I was duped and being lied to and don't think there is someone else in the picture. She's too bold, honest, up-front and, quite honestly, mouthy, to not give her opinion with conviction if in fact she changed her mind about me. I don't get it. I'm sick with worry and beyond troubled and confused. This is really like a whole different person. Is this disappearance a cyclothymia symptom? I witnessed zero, I mean zero, depressive or other suspect behavior previously. Normalcy, upbeat spirit, groundedness, and priorities-in-order was all that I witnessed since April. I am lost and in pain. Can anyone opine?

[User Picture]From: abl77
2010-08-13 02:31 pm (UTC)

Help ! Am I Dating Someone With Cyclothymia ?

In my opinion, it has nothing to do with a mental condition. She needs her space right now. It's nothing personal. Her mom is very sick and she needs to deal with this in her own time. The best thing you can do is do nothing more than what you have already done; just be a friend. "If you love somone so much, let them be free. If they come back, it was meant to be." Good luck and keep us posted.
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From: smallblakflower
2010-08-14 02:04 am (UTC)
In some ways whatever the reason she's dropped off the map is sort of irrelevant. It sounds as though whatever it is has been sparked by what sounds like a terrible situation with her mother and impotent as you undoubtedly feel you need to sit back and wait for her. Maybe give yourself a limit - like a message once a fortnight and then once a month to remind her you still care and assure her you're waiting.

If she gets back in touch and says she experienced an altered mental state *then* you can have the conversation about cyclothymia or bipolar (by the way BPD = borderline personality disorder) and good on you for being prepared, but right now I don't think you should be second guessing her motivations. Keep an open mind - I think when you trust someone as confidently as you have you are rarely mistaken - but patience is the watch word here.

I have nothing to base this on but I read this as though you were a woman, if that's the case suckitupdyke is a great lesbian advice community who would undoubtedly have useful perspectives if you posted there too. Good luck.
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[User Picture]From: dragnfly18
2010-08-18 12:23 am (UTC)
Though people with cyclothymia can "drop off the face of the earth", usually it's brought on by their own emotional issues or fears. This sounds like she's just stressed and worried about her mom. I know I would be too. And truthfully, your relationship is still quite fresh. Though I'm sure you both emotionally connected during that time, 100 days is short in the scheme of things. Also, Bipolar is hereditary but that doesn't necessarily mean she inherited it. My thoughts are that she's just worried and needs space to get the family illness stress worked out. If your relationship was as good as you say it was, she'll be back when things clear up. Continue trying to contact her, but don't overburden her with messages, calls, etc. I hope things work out and get back to normal.
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From: (Anonymous)
2010-08-31 10:40 pm (UTC)
I have Cyclothymia, and didn't come to terms with it until a couple of months ago. About a year ago I had a boyfriend and we ended up breaking up after eight months. My dad had been diagnosed with cancer, so I became distant and ended up breaking up with him, I did love him and I know I hurt him, but at the moment I was in a Dysthymic phase, much like a depression, and was basically uncaring. I know that if you wait for her it will help her get through her depression stage, and she will be glad someone is there for her.
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From: (Anonymous)
2010-09-24 04:54 am (UTC)

Dating someone with Bipolar III

I am going tho=rough a milder version of this with my GF of 5 years. I would also come up with your own limits and not be used; BP or not. I would be careful not to be sucked into her Vortex as it is her problem not yours. She may be "using" or may be going through a manic phase, etc. I would limit my contact and then start looking around for other women. Life is so short any why waste your time waiting. I would learn from this situation to not get so involved with someone with this condition, or be ready to accept the heartaches. There are many other women out there even better for you. If I were someone with the disorder, I would have numerous fail safes so my behavior would not get to this point and treat others in this rude manner. I would be in therapy, take medication, and have trusted friends to warn me of my behavior before I destroyed my relationships.
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From: (Anonymous)
2010-12-22 11:20 pm (UTC)
I am in similar situation. My girlfriend of one year suddenly vanished from the earth, but nothing seriously happened to trigger her disappearing. We didn't had a conflict, nothing happened in her family, it just happened. She told me she's depressed and needs time to fix her own problems. No matter what I do, it backfires. She admits she's not very normal, and I know her mother is more or less the same. She can freak out for the stupidest reason. She's quiet now for about two weeks, and in all my confusion, I found articles about bipolar disorder and cyclothemia. I could recognise her in cyclothemia, and it helps me to understand her behavior. I don't know if she has it, and I cannot talk about it with her now.
After six months dating, she also got a depression, and it ended with a break-up. We were back together two days after that. When I asked her what happened, she told me she had a depression, and breaking up with me made her hysteric. It was the climax of her depression, and she came back to normal. I didn't know anything about BP or cyclothemia back then. I wish I did. At the moment, I cannot do anything, and I think that's the best. I wrote her that it's ok if she doesn't want to talk. I'm fine, and she doesn't need to feel guilty. I hope she will get back to normal soon, and then I will try to talk her into going to a psychiatrist. I think this is the best thing you can do, but i'm not sure... Anyone who has experience with these situations, feel free to comment.
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From: (Anonymous)
2010-12-28 05:26 am (UTC)
It is so difficult that if you choose to stay you should treat the relationship as "better than nothing" and don't expect much more. Definitely, don't get married. It is not worth the headache and heartache. There are too many women out there who don't have the disorder. I have been with someone for the last five years and have only in the last year stopped trying to change her. Even with therapy, there is no guarantee they will change. Proceed cautiously or move on quickly and don't look back. You will be thankful for this advice later. Good luck.
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